community

Enough

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What I love about a cloudy morning is the way curls of steam rise like little white blossoms from the mug.

And how, when the wind blows up here on the third floor, the panes rock back and forth like a clumsy attempt to soothe all the stress and discouragement I’ve closed in.

I love how the world holds me like a blanket just long enough to feel that it’s OK to spend five extra Friday minutes staring out the window at the just-budding branches. Then suddenly, a few bright rays break through, land on my forehead like a brisk blessing, and it’s time to get back to work.

For several weeks I have felt at-odds with my desires, recognizing envy, discouragement, and selfishness in some vulnerable places. I cling to the words:

“You can’t have community with those you compete with,”

and

“We don’t need more things. We need more meaning.”

Unfurling from these two truths is a single word like a wisp of morning steam.

Enough.

I walk through my house fingering it like a stone in my pocket.

This house-it is enough.

These daily tasks-enough.

This messy kitchen, this sticking door, the contents of these closets–enough, more than enough.

And the uncertain dreams? the middle spots with unknown endings? the relationships sometimes causing so much thought? Enormously, abundantly enough-if I choose to accept them.

Sometimes it seems the whole of life is remembering. I remind myself of these words last November, how this is the beginning of the fullest life, the biggest blessing: choosing to name this enough. I remind myself of what we read last December, what I struggled against like a cord wrapped tightly–“Embrace the small.” Embrace the downward life, because this is the way of the Kingdom.

What feels like compromise or constraint can turn out to be the greatest blessing.

What feels like “settling” can be the jar of clay with the treasure inside.

What seems insignificant  can be a gateway to glory.

What seems boring and ordinary may just be the very tool for a job this size.

“The meaning unfolds in the ordinary Wow. Thank You. Yes.”

Ann Voskamp

A Prayer to Begin Lent

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During (and after) the Advent season, I felt the need to focus on the theme of desire and longing. Now, here we are beginning the season of Lent, and what better word to sum up the experience than desire? Isn’t this much of what Lent is about–to give up that which we desire, in order to more clearly recognize the emptiness of all but Christ? The chance to see how desperately we long for a Savior, since our small earthly attempts at meaningful spiritual discipline are wobbly and incomplete at best?

But maybe Lent could be about more than just restraining a particular desire, as helpful as that may be. This weekend our pastor preached out of Isaiah 58-59, and I couldn’t help but hear the echoes of these words as I sit here today. I’m taping this prayer on my mirror for the 40 days and would invite you to join me, if you’d like.

Lord,

We confess the many ways we have tried to please you, please others, and please ourselves through mere religious activity.

We confess the times we have thwarted or ignored justice out of ignorance, arrogance, or self interest.

We confess the times we’ve signed up or showed up with hearts without generosity or love.

We ask for you to give us new hearts and new desires.

Show us what it means to loose the bonds of wickedness, undo the yoke of oppression, and share our food with the hungry.

Let us be called the repairers of the ruins, the restorers of streets to dwell in. Help us see outside the narrow confines of our self-interest and seek the thriving of our city and community.

Instead of just trying harder, may we be forever ruined by your astounding love, eager to give the same love to others.

Teach us to pour ourselves out for the afflicted, knowing we will be fully satisfied in You.

Amen.

My New Year’s Resolution: Increasing in Love

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In the fifth canto of Dante’s Paradiso, there is one of the most beautiful lines in all of poetry.

Dante has just made an unimaginable journey through the horrors of hell, the strenuous rigors of purgatory, and gets an incredible chance to glimpse the beauty of heaven. As he finally bursts into the outskirts of Divine Virtue, all who are gathered pronounce: chi crescerà li nostri amori:

Behold someone who will increase our love.

When we talk of Heaven, we often mention angels, streets of gold, perfect happiness…but more than anything it is a place of perfect love. The place where Perfect Love dwells. This is ultimate Beauty itself. This will be what we have longed for all our lives.

And the incredible idea he introduces here? Each new member of Heaven does not just take from the already-established love supply. They increase the love of Heaven by their presence.

I realize this is simply human poetry here, but I think he makes such a true and beautiful point. In some small way, the moments we practice loving purely here on earth accomplishes a similar goal. Have you ever noticed how either a negative or positive attitude gains momentum in a group of people? Like a virus, it spreads from one member to another, until someone who thought life was going pretty well suddenly finds himself restless and discontent.

In the same way, I would like to propose the thought that we can become part of a community of people increasing their love in ever-abounding ways. Suddenly, everyone we encounter becomes one “who will increase our love.”

“Growth in love always involves movement beyond the hardened boundaries of isolated self to the selves-in-relationships that make up community..There is no genuine life without love. Self-interests suffocates life. Life implodes when self-interest is at the core.”

“When I am confronted with my frequent failures in love, my instinct has always been to try harder. I recognize the poverty of my love…[yet] nothing changes.

“The reason nothing changes is that the focus is still on me–my failures, my remorse, my discouragement, my efforts. Love requires leaving all of this behind–all my self-preoccupation and all my willful striving…Regardless of the amount of love I tend to have naturally in my heart, it is not enough. The love I need is the love of God as his love becomes mine.” -David Benner, Surrender to Love

What will you encounter this week? A particular difficult assignment? A frustrating coworker or family member? One interrupted plan after another? My goal this year is to see these not as setbacks, but as opportunities to grow in love.

Likewise, the beautiful and enjoyable aspects of my week give me a chance to receive love as well as give. Whether good or bad, all is grace.

“If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.”

—W. H. Auden

Happy New Year, everyone!!

Advent Longings

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During this season of Advent, one particular idea has been weaving throughout my daily thoughts and prayers:

At its core, Advent teaches us what to do with our longings.

The coming of the Messiah was one of the most anticipated, longed-for events in history. Even now, we crave the story of a hero coming to save the world from destruction and evil. Yet in the moment of Christmas, all of that anticipation, that longing, found its conclusion in the tiny body of a frail baby named Jesus.

Tonight, I light the Advent candle and we bow our heads, and I think of all the longings I feel in this moment. How desire is such a universal language of mankind. Desire not just for physical items, even though this seems to have become one of the biggest symbols of Christmas. No, this confusing ache down in my soul is something present throughout the whole year, and simply highlighted in the holiday season. When I look closely, I find

  • the hunger for belonging
  • the longing to be valued and known
  • the cravings for happiness and meaningful experiences
  • the ache of wanting good to be clearly triumphing over every form of evil

This season, I’m meditating on one profound question:

What does it look like for these desires to be fulfilled in the person of Christ? 

Jen Pollock Michael has written a beautiful little book on Christian desire, called Teach Us To Want. Here is what she says:

“We orient our lives not according to our belief systems or worldview, but according to our desires. Every decision, big and small, is value driven, and consciously or subconsciously, we are pursuing what we love and value… To effect real and lasting change, we will have to be oriented toward better desires, even toward grace.

But that plunge into holy desire doesn’t remove us from earthly life; it implicates us, gets us busy in the business of loving and worshiping God in our neighborhoods and churches and cities…In wanting good, we also commit to channeling good— to bless others as liberally and as sacrificially as we have been blessed. After all, in Christ, we are Abraham’s children to whom the good-news promise is given: In you shall all the nations be blessed.

And here is how desire becomes corrupt: wanting derails into selfishness, greed and demanding ingratitude when we’ve failed to recognize and receive the good that God has already given. Trust is at the center of holy desire: trust that God is good and wills good for his people. We trust in asking; we trust in receiving. Holy trust believes that whatever God chooses to give is enough.

Christ has come–this is Christmas. That little baby named Jesus grew up to be a man who would change the course of history. In his coming, God fulfilled his promise and answered the longing of every human heart. Here was one who would begin to put things right–forever. Who would triumph over evil and death.

“Then Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.'” (John 6:35)

If there was ever a person to entrust our most deepest desires, and to allow to redirect and redeem even our selfish longings, it is Him. The ultimately satisfying Bread of Life. The Word Made Flesh. Emmanuel. The God who has come, and is coming again.

May our longings for more of Him replace our selfish and self-centered desires this season. May our hearts allow his gracious redirection of our many hungers. May we long for His coming and His kingdom during the rest of this Advent season, and in the year to come.

 

Our Christmas Letter

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Merry Christmas from the Funkhousers!

 

In our last Christmas letter, Ben and I included this quote from Ann Voskamp:

“When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement, vowed to Awe Himself, covenanted to Christ –and I took the whole of everything He gave in this gloried world into my open arms with thanks.”

I think I could sum up by saying that if 2014 was our year of learning gratitude, 2015 was our year to KEEP learning it.

For those of you who like bullet  points, here is the recap of our year:

  • We spent three incredible months in Amsterdam, which I won’t write about because that’s what half this blog is full of anyways.
  • We moved to SE Portland and are trying hard to invest in this community long-term…
  • Although we still dream about moving back to Europe 😉
  • Ben is now past his 3 year mark at CIS and still enjoys biking to work when possible (thankful for rain gear) and learning more about active and environmentally friendly transportation.
  • Jenna quit her job as an in-home caregiver and works (close to) full time for Abolition Now as Communications Director. She is learning a LOT!
  • We started caring a whole lot more about justice, inequality, and redemptive love.

This past year has been such a season of growth for us as a couple. We’ve seen so many areas where we want to change. Where we want to see the world change. Where we want to see our communities and cultures change. And yet, through it all, God invites us to give thanks. To rejoice in the day he has made. To embrace His goodness, wisdom, and permanence, even while facing some of the darkest evil the world can offer.

Amazing.

If we were to add one word that specifically summed up the beginning of our journey in 2015, however, I would take one step past gratitude. I would add generosity and love. 

We’ve seen what a deeper level of generosity could look like in our lives, and we’re taking wobbly steps, one by one, figuring out how to get there. However, we have to be honest and say that we have sometimes felt alone in this effort. We’ve struggled against despair and cynicism and selfishness and apathy. We have made dumb decisions or reacted to things in a way that was full of frustration rather than love. If you ever think of it, we would really appreciate your prayers as we walk this road together.

We truly believe that our actions towards justice are important. They create change, support , and reveal the heart of God. But as Paul said so convictingly in 1 Corinthians 13, “If I give all I possess to the poor, and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.”

So here’s to a new year and new mercies every morning! May this be year of drawing closer to the heart of God in beautiful and surprising ways. May we learn more and more what it looks like to do everything rooted in the Gospel and in Perfect Love.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever wilt be.

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Starting Small

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I came back from Amsterdam wanting to do BIG things. Start prayer groups. Raise money for organizations. Write amazing articles for my organization’s website. Grow my blog readership. Basically, become the NW’s version of Ann Voskamp overnight, mixed in with Scott Sauls and Micah Boyett. And if you don’t know who these amazingly gifted writers are yet, your homework for today starts here.

Yet in all my great hopes and dreams, I”m finding it hard to remain content, to remain humble, to remain ultimately centered on and fulfilled by Christ. I’m getting so caught up in my own ideas, plans, and the opinions of others. It’s time to go back to the roots.

Over and over again, the Lord has been reminding me this past month that although I have big dreams, I need to trust him first with the small things right in front of me. “You have been faithful with little, I will put you over many things,” as the parable of the talents states. And who knows what He considers “little” and “big” anyways?

Could it be that these “small” things are really the biggest of all? Being a wife, a friend, a church member–could these actually be my biggest work, wherever else life takes me?

It’s not that I believe big dreams are bad. I just think, sometimes, they can distract us from being present and faithful in what we already have. From always feeling the pressure to do more, be more, impress others with the radical amazing things we’re doing with our lives.

“And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is Love.”

This year, I want to become a genuinely involved member of my community. I want to foster healthy and generous relationships. I want to keep reading books and articles that expand my vision, and write about what God is slowly unfolding in my heart.

I want to gather with women in my church and pray for “big” and “small” things–all the things that matter in our lives. I want to risk saying crazy things and getting humbly corrected later down the road as I continue to learn and grow. But most of all, I want to take advantage of the small. Small purchases, small moments, small interactions with others, small ways I can give sacrificially. And in it all, I want to take some deep breaths and allow myself to be OK with that.

“…But I also sense an invitation, one that brings a desire to commune with Jesus and with others in a way that the big I think I want may not allow. Daily I’m given the opportunity to recognize the gift of obscurity, trusting Christ is doing invisible kingdom work in the stairwells of my everyday life.

“Let’s stretch out in the fullness of small and move downward in gladness rather than upward in fear.
“Let’s let go of the constructed life and embrace a connected life, even if it leads to less.”
–Emily Freeman (read the full article, Hope For Your Soul When You Feel Small)

“God has not called you to be awesome. He has called you to be humble, faithful, and free. Leave the awesome to him.” Scott Sauls

I remind myself to breathe deep of the morning air, the scent of possibilities.

There is surely grace enough here.

Prayer and Asking

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Want to have a peek into my brain this week?

You’re in luck 🙂 Today I felt like it was time to share some of the things I really just can’t get off my mind. Things that have become very important to me. Things involving lots of prayer and asking God for wisdom. So, if you’ve got a moment, take a look!

1. This Video: If it’s the only thing you get to today, please Watch Session Two of this great study! What an incredibly great and inspiring definition of living out justice. Ben and I watched this last night, and all I could think of is how perfectly he described everything I’ve been wrestling with this year.

2. If you haven’t yet heard, Amnesty International recently voted to decriminalize prostitution, arguing that it would better protect those involved. During my weeks at SHINE, we had tons of discussion about the sex trade vs. sex trafficking. Can they be separated? Should they be separated? What are the implications of each choice? I would encourage you to read this article for a good look at some of the reasons decriminalization is usually NOT a good option.

3. You may have seen this one floating around cyberspace this week…I have to admit this is where so much of the prayer has come in. How to even address such a systematic crime? It’s a lot easier to know what to do about these things in my own community. But I’ve seen enough of these articles coming through in the last six months to feel it’s important for us to start talking about more. I’ve been so encouraged to read Ann Voskamp’s posts on what pre-emptive love might look like for us as Christians.

4. And lastly, ethical shopping. If you’ve talked to me at all lately, you know it’s been a lot on our minds. How does the Bible’s command to “be generous to the poor” fit in here? As we’ve done some research in the past few weeks especially, here are some great resources we’ve found:

A fabulous article by my friend Molly: Ethics and Your Wardrobe (aka why should I even care about this??)

How to Start Shopping Ethically (And again, why? from End Slavery Now)

Let’s Be Fair

Micah Challenge: Great Resources #1 and #2

As I end this post, I realize reading a lot of these articles can make it very easy to despair. To feel like our small efforts will never overcome enormous and far-away issues. There are so many areas of injustice I haven’t even touched on here! So I wanted to end with this reminder from Isaiah 59.

Almost the entire chapter is full of disappointment and judgement because of the lack of justice found among the Israelites. “Therefore justice is far from us…we hope for light, and behold, darkness…justice is turned back, and righteousness stands far away….Truth is lacking”. All these phrases can feel so real about our current world when we take a look at what’s really going on.

Now this isn’t good news, as vs. 15 tells us that “the Lord saw it, and it displeased him, that there was no justice.” We do have the responsibility to work towards justice as His people! But we don’t have to do it alone–look at vs 16:

“He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no one to intercede, then his own arm brought him salvation, and his righteousness upheld him.”

And in vs. 19: “So they shall fear the name of the Lord from the west, and his glory from the rising of the sun; for he will come like a rushing stream, which the wind of the Lord drives.”

I just love this. When there is justice lacking, it definitely displeases God. But he’s not hindered by our failures, or by the fact that we as one person just can’t do it all. He will accomplish His ultimate goals, in His power. We don’t have to bear the weight of it on our shoulders, but simply join with Him as best as we can. Using our everyday, ordinary lives to display His glory.

Recollecting Gratitude (guest post!)

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You guys are in for a treat–a guest post from Ben today! He did a really great job at expressing a lot of the emotions we’re still processing right now. Coming back from Amsterdam has been really sort of a turning point for us, as we discuss future goals, ministry opportunities, and just how in the world to live justly and gospel-centered with every aspect of our lives. We still have a lot more questions than answers–but honestly, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think the point is sometimes no longer even having a perfect answer, as it is living out the questions.

Lots of thoughts in my brain this morning.  Thinking about the priorities I want to have and where I want to see life in the next several years.  To be honest, I’m also fighting off some heavy nostalgia and the desire to be back in Europe.  I like being here in Portland, I really do, I just miss the kind of magical places in Europe that just mesh with my personality; riding trains and bikes, walking everywhere, hearing different perspectives on the world.  Yet there is so much I’m thankful for here as well, and I do feel pretty thankful this morning…

I’m thankful for mountains and ocean beaches (the most beautiful non-tropical sea vistas in the world).  I’m thankful for Stumptown coffee and our cozy apartment and my roadbike.  I’m thankful for forested bike trails and light rail and trees… trees everywhere!  And for a good public library, and local grocery stores, and a solid, Bible-teaching church.  I’m thankful for family nearby and for hot summer weather and for Tillamook dairy products of all forms.

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At the same time, I desire to be more than thankful for these comfortable things. I want to be thankful for the challenges around me and to be caught up into one of the stories God is playing out in the city I live in.  I want to be more than a consumer of my city, I want to be a creator, imaging God’s goodness and light.  God, please broaden my perspective and help me to see how I can be more involved in this city around me as a creative force to work against the darkness and bring more light.

Souvenirs

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“Pilgrims often journey to the ends of the earth in search of holy ground, only to find that they have never walked on anything else.” Scott Russell Sanders

Well my friends, we made it.

We’re “home”–back where everyone speaks our language, where we can enter public restrooms FOR FREE, where we can ask for a cup of ice water with our meal and not look like tourists. Where people smile when you enter a store, and come to take your order shockingly fast when you sit down in a restaurant.

We wandered through Safeway today, reveling in the thousands of options at our fingertips. We smile and wave when bikers give us the right of way. And above all, we keep reminding ourselves that Amsterdam really happened and we didn’t just wake up from a very, very long dream. 

Jet lag is still wearing off–I woke up this morning at 3:45 AM, craving noodles. And there are hundreds of photos to sort through and piles of laundry and so many blessings just sitting here at my fingertips. Grace, all of it. Each time I’m tempted to wish I was back in Europe, I stop for a breath, look around, and remember this too is holy ground. This too is a place I will encounter the weight of glory–in the warm sun on my toes, the faces I pass, the work we have returned to.

However, the more we look back on everything we’ve learned and experienced, we realize there was such great value in our time in Amsterdam as well. Together, Ben and I have come up with a list of attitudes or habits really appreciated during the past few months–ones we’d like to begin implementing ourselves in the coming months. Take a look if you’re curious:

1. Hospitality.

We have felt so welcomed into the homes of friends and new acquaintances, both in Amsterdam and while we traveled. I think one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through it all is that traveling doesn’t change you–but the people you meet just might. I’m challenged to look at my own life now that we’ve returned, and make sure I always leave space for spontaneous hospitality.

2. Living simply.

This is one we’ve already started working on in the past year–getting rid of stuff, only owning one car, etc. However, we’ve come home inspired to take even more steps in this direction. For example, if we lived three months without this stuff, how much of it do we really need? And “living simply” isn’t just about getting rid of things, but about protecting things that matter. Evening dinners outside, walks to the store, visiting our local farmer’s markets, and so much more.

3. Making time for beauty.

Buying fresh flowers. Lighting candles. Going to art museums and community concerts. Decorating with and wearing items I love. Making time and space for things I would normally consider luxuries–yet not as part of a luxurious lifestyle.

4. Investing in community.

In the past two years we’ve moved twice, switched churches, and then spent three months abroad. As of yet, we haven’t really invested deeply in any community outside of our circle of friends and family. Our goal for the coming years is to put in the effort to put down roots, without worrying about whether or not we’re staying in that community long-term. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m currently focused on how to incorporate a lifestyle of justice into my everyday life. And part of what I think this means is to really involve yourself in the lives of people around you.

Now that we’ve returned, the challenge will really be putting these goals into action. In the next few posts, I’ll continue to reflect on what we’ve learned in Amsterdam, and whatever challenges we run into as well! In the meantime, take a deep breath, look around you, and count three things you are thankful for. We really are standing on holy ground.

The Journey Back

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Tomorrow we begin our journey back to America. It’s hard to believe that the months could fly by so fast! There is so much I want to write about– all that I’ve seen and learned, all that I’m taking with me, and all the wonderful people I’m leaving behind. It’s definitely a bittersweet ending, for sure. In the next few weeks, I’ll be taking now time to write about all of these things. In the meantime, I’ve got a lot to think about on my trans-Atlantic flight to the west coast! Thanks to everyone who has supported and encouraged us in these past three months. I can’t wait to tell you all more.