grace

Starting Small

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I came back from Amsterdam wanting to do BIG things. Start prayer groups. Raise money for organizations. Write amazing articles for my organization’s website. Grow my blog readership. Basically, become the NW’s version of Ann Voskamp overnight, mixed in with Scott Sauls and Micah Boyett. And if you don’t know who these amazingly gifted writers are yet, your homework for today starts here.

Yet in all my great hopes and dreams, I”m finding it hard to remain content, to remain humble, to remain ultimately centered on and fulfilled by Christ. I’m getting so caught up in my own ideas, plans, and the opinions of others. It’s time to go back to the roots.

Over and over again, the Lord has been reminding me this past month that although I have big dreams, I need to trust him first with the small things right in front of me. “You have been faithful with little, I will put you over many things,” as the parable of the talents states. And who knows what He considers “little” and “big” anyways?

Could it be that these “small” things are really the biggest of all? Being a wife, a friend, a church member–could these actually be my biggest work, wherever else life takes me?

It’s not that I believe big dreams are bad. I just think, sometimes, they can distract us from being present and faithful in what we already have. From always feeling the pressure to do more, be more, impress others with the radical amazing things we’re doing with our lives.

“And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and Love. But the greatest of these is Love.”

This year, I want to become a genuinely involved member of my community. I want to foster healthy and generous relationships. I want to keep reading books and articles that expand my vision, and write about what God is slowly unfolding in my heart.

I want to gather with women in my church and pray for “big” and “small” things–all the things that matter in our lives. I want to risk saying crazy things and getting humbly corrected later down the road as I continue to learn and grow. But most of all, I want to take advantage of the small. Small purchases, small moments, small interactions with others, small ways I can give sacrificially. And in it all, I want to take some deep breaths and allow myself to be OK with that.

“…But I also sense an invitation, one that brings a desire to commune with Jesus and with others in a way that the big I think I want may not allow. Daily I’m given the opportunity to recognize the gift of obscurity, trusting Christ is doing invisible kingdom work in the stairwells of my everyday life.

“Let’s stretch out in the fullness of small and move downward in gladness rather than upward in fear.
“Let’s let go of the constructed life and embrace a connected life, even if it leads to less.”
–Emily Freeman (read the full article, Hope For Your Soul When You Feel Small)

“God has not called you to be awesome. He has called you to be humble, faithful, and free. Leave the awesome to him.” Scott Sauls

I remind myself to breathe deep of the morning air, the scent of possibilities.

There is surely grace enough here.

Never Less Than Adequate

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This book has been on my to-read list since the end of high school. Somehow in the timewarp of college I never got around to reading it, so now I finally am–and guys, it’s good.

Indwelling

I could go on for a while about how great it is, how I feel like I’m now reading it at the perfect time, just when I need it most. But mostly, I just want to share a portion today that really blessed/challenged me. I hope it does the same for you as well.

“It takes God to be a man, and that is why it takes Christ to be a Christian, because Christ puts God back into a man, the only way we can again become functional.”

” ‘If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit’ (Galatians 5:25), and this is what it means to walk in the Holy Spirit: to take one step at a time, and for every new situation into which every new step takes you, no matter what it may be, to hear Christ saying to your heart, ‘I AM,’ then to look up into His face by faith and say, ‘You are! That is all I need to know, Lord, and I thank You, for You are never less than adequate.’ ”

— Major Ian Thomas, The Indwelling Life of Christ

Recollecting Gratitude (guest post!)

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You guys are in for a treat–a guest post from Ben today! He did a really great job at expressing a lot of the emotions we’re still processing right now. Coming back from Amsterdam has been really sort of a turning point for us, as we discuss future goals, ministry opportunities, and just how in the world to live justly and gospel-centered with every aspect of our lives. We still have a lot more questions than answers–but honestly, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think the point is sometimes no longer even having a perfect answer, as it is living out the questions.

Lots of thoughts in my brain this morning.  Thinking about the priorities I want to have and where I want to see life in the next several years.  To be honest, I’m also fighting off some heavy nostalgia and the desire to be back in Europe.  I like being here in Portland, I really do, I just miss the kind of magical places in Europe that just mesh with my personality; riding trains and bikes, walking everywhere, hearing different perspectives on the world.  Yet there is so much I’m thankful for here as well, and I do feel pretty thankful this morning…

I’m thankful for mountains and ocean beaches (the most beautiful non-tropical sea vistas in the world).  I’m thankful for Stumptown coffee and our cozy apartment and my roadbike.  I’m thankful for forested bike trails and light rail and trees… trees everywhere!  And for a good public library, and local grocery stores, and a solid, Bible-teaching church.  I’m thankful for family nearby and for hot summer weather and for Tillamook dairy products of all forms.

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At the same time, I desire to be more than thankful for these comfortable things. I want to be thankful for the challenges around me and to be caught up into one of the stories God is playing out in the city I live in.  I want to be more than a consumer of my city, I want to be a creator, imaging God’s goodness and light.  God, please broaden my perspective and help me to see how I can be more involved in this city around me as a creative force to work against the darkness and bring more light.

Fallow Ground

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“We have, indeed, to fashion our own desert where we can withdraw every day, shake off our compulsions [and distractions,] and dwell in the gentle healing presence of our Lord. Without such a desert we will lose our own soul while preaching the gospel to others.” –Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

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Two weeks have gone by since my last post–two weeks spent reconnecting with family and friends and slipping back into (almost) all the familiar routines of life here. Already, I’m struggling with reconciling the person I wanted to be during this time with the reality of who I still am. In some ways, this time I had hoped would be such a fresh start has felt more like hitting rewind. Here I am, back living in the same apartment, with the same things on my to-do list, the same ability to be so easily sidetracked and distracted, and the same feelings of cluttered chaos already creeping in like dustbunnies in the corner.

I’m reminded today of my deep need for consistent solitude–which is not my natural inclination. I am a die-hard people person, and although I’d usually rather listen than talk, I really do hate being anywhere alone. Yet solitude is so much more than simply time for me to withdraw from the world and have “alone time.” Solitude is opening up the inner space of my heart where all my fears and hurts and misgivings come rushing out. It is bringing all myself before Christ and really confronting it there, in a place where I can no longer run or hide from it. It is the prayer that not only examines my own self, but receives His healing grace and worships His beauty.

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In this space of in-between, when life seems full of the small things and I’m struggling to connect the last three months to my immediate future, I want to remember that healthy soil is given time to lie fallow. I’m not always in control of the pace of my life, or how each season will evolve, but I am always able to choose what kind of person I become in the meantime. So the question then becomes not “What will I do now?” but “Who do I really want to be?” I want to celebrate this chance and never lose sight of the blessing it really is. My prayer is that this will be a season when all that I’ve learned and gained over the last three months can really germinate inside my heart. God alone knows when it will be time for the first buds–whatever they are–to grow.

Souvenirs

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“Pilgrims often journey to the ends of the earth in search of holy ground, only to find that they have never walked on anything else.” Scott Russell Sanders

Well my friends, we made it.

We’re “home”–back where everyone speaks our language, where we can enter public restrooms FOR FREE, where we can ask for a cup of ice water with our meal and not look like tourists. Where people smile when you enter a store, and come to take your order shockingly fast when you sit down in a restaurant.

We wandered through Safeway today, reveling in the thousands of options at our fingertips. We smile and wave when bikers give us the right of way. And above all, we keep reminding ourselves that Amsterdam really happened and we didn’t just wake up from a very, very long dream. 

Jet lag is still wearing off–I woke up this morning at 3:45 AM, craving noodles. And there are hundreds of photos to sort through and piles of laundry and so many blessings just sitting here at my fingertips. Grace, all of it. Each time I’m tempted to wish I was back in Europe, I stop for a breath, look around, and remember this too is holy ground. This too is a place I will encounter the weight of glory–in the warm sun on my toes, the faces I pass, the work we have returned to.

However, the more we look back on everything we’ve learned and experienced, we realize there was such great value in our time in Amsterdam as well. Together, Ben and I have come up with a list of attitudes or habits really appreciated during the past few months–ones we’d like to begin implementing ourselves in the coming months. Take a look if you’re curious:

1. Hospitality.

We have felt so welcomed into the homes of friends and new acquaintances, both in Amsterdam and while we traveled. I think one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through it all is that traveling doesn’t change you–but the people you meet just might. I’m challenged to look at my own life now that we’ve returned, and make sure I always leave space for spontaneous hospitality.

2. Living simply.

This is one we’ve already started working on in the past year–getting rid of stuff, only owning one car, etc. However, we’ve come home inspired to take even more steps in this direction. For example, if we lived three months without this stuff, how much of it do we really need? And “living simply” isn’t just about getting rid of things, but about protecting things that matter. Evening dinners outside, walks to the store, visiting our local farmer’s markets, and so much more.

3. Making time for beauty.

Buying fresh flowers. Lighting candles. Going to art museums and community concerts. Decorating with and wearing items I love. Making time and space for things I would normally consider luxuries–yet not as part of a luxurious lifestyle.

4. Investing in community.

In the past two years we’ve moved twice, switched churches, and then spent three months abroad. As of yet, we haven’t really invested deeply in any community outside of our circle of friends and family. Our goal for the coming years is to put in the effort to put down roots, without worrying about whether or not we’re staying in that community long-term. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m currently focused on how to incorporate a lifestyle of justice into my everyday life. And part of what I think this means is to really involve yourself in the lives of people around you.

Now that we’ve returned, the challenge will really be putting these goals into action. In the next few posts, I’ll continue to reflect on what we’ve learned in Amsterdam, and whatever challenges we run into as well! In the meantime, take a deep breath, look around you, and count three things you are thankful for. We really are standing on holy ground.

Snapshots.

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I’d like to start out this post by affirming that there are now two more very good reasons I don’t typically wear white/light colored pants. And those reasons are 1. Mexican food and 2. Mexican food.

On another note, here are a few snapshots from this past week:

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It has been a great week–full of challenges, hard work, late nights, laughter, beach trips, and perhaps a little too much cake. In some ways, it feels like we’ve been here forever; in others, like we’re only just getting started. It’s this strange mix of starting to be excited to bring all that I’ve learned back to “real life,” and yet wanting to hold onto these moments and never return.

I feel I could go on forever about all I have been learning this week–about myself, God, what it takes to make a ministry like this run, and how much I still have to learn about love. I’m reminded again of how challenges really are the things that sharpen us and bring us growth. All the things I would avoid if I could see them coming–all the uncomfortable tensions, the irritating situations, the stress or fear of the unknowns…these are the things that question my assumptions, that ask me what I’m really made of. My gut reactions say a lot more about my true theology than any good ideas. What is theology even about anyways, if it doesn’t affect the way we live?

In the midst of so much I wish that I was; in the midst of sorting through what I really believe; in the midst of all the times my hunger for love and acceptance comes clawing up unexpectedly, all I can say is how good it is to take a deep breath and meditate on Grace.

Grace in the eyes of my husband who consistently loves and cherishes me each day. Grace in the words of my teammates for the times I let an opportunity slip by. Grace in the hands and feet and love of Jesus, who never expected me to simply figure this out on my own.

Let my heart become a vessel in which this grace overflows.