I am a two.
To those who are familiar with the Enneagram, I basically just told you all my dirty secrets. Although the Enneagram is considered an ancient personality typing method (making a trendy comeback), I would consider it more of a rigorous soul assessment. It has forced me to confront everything lurking in my heart: hopes, dreams, fears–both what I would die for and what I would die to avoid.
And, as much as I’ve tried to run from it, I am a two.
So what does that mean? Continue reading
Lord, we confess to you that in this season of abundance, we are still often slaves to our mentality of scarcity.
We thank you for the generosity of our Native brothers and sisters so many years ago, and continuing to this day. We confess that we and our fathers did not faithfully reciprocate this generosity, but have rather subjected this land and many different peoples to violence for our own gain. We have sowed the wind and reaped the whirlwind of hatred, division, and bloodshed.
We confess that we still often lack this generous spirit to the poor, the immigrant, and the minority. Our mentality of scarcity has tricked us into a false dichotomy that believes enough for me must mean less for you.
We ask that you touch our hearts anew with the story of Christ, who became poor that all might become rich, who became marginalized that all might be included, and who became an immigrant that all might find their true home.
Teach us to live in the abundance of your kingdom, that in humility we may find more than enough in you.
Amen.
Hello friends! I have an exciting ministry update to share with you all! But first, a little context:
As some of you may know, in 2005 I went on a two-week missions trip that changed my life. That summer, my youth group partnered with YWAM (Youth With A Mission) to immerse ourselves in urban outreach. It was here that my heart was deeply stirred for the cause of the vulnerable and the marginalized, and I knew then I would spend the rest of my life seeking justice and compassion for the oppressed through my love of storytelling.
The next 4 years I spent a lot of Friday nights under the Burnside bridge, washing feet and handing out socks and sandwiches. I loved getting to meet people there and I began learning the power of relationships in changing hearts. However, I still was operating from a top-down mentality. What can I give you? How can I help you? Instead of, How can we work together?
Some time ago, I realized my normal modes of exercise–mainly biking and walking–were primarily benefiting a certain set of muscles. My legs. Although I felt in good physical shape, there was a whole half of my body that never received a very strenuous workout. In order to right this imbalance, I needed to seek out exercises that targeted these weaker areas.
In some ways, the choices I make in my life are similar to the exercises I choose. It may seem like I’m in good shape, but when I look closely I’m very heavily focused on certain areas, with whole areas of my life ignored or uncultivated. Just like my physical body, these “muscles,” if not used, will continue to stay stagnant.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about risk. After years of making choices, we are (often unconsciously) choosing what muscles in our life we want to be strongest. Years of making a safe, easy, or comfortable choice will cause those muscles to become my reflex response. The more I choose comfort and security over risk, the more I’m closing my heart off to all sorts of scary but wonderful things God might bring me.
Choosing to embrace risk, doing things that are good but scare me, is a way to begin building strength in other areas, knowing that more scary things will inevitably come and these extra muscles sure might come in handy. As reluctant as I might sometimes be, I want to keep doing something that scares me every year of my life. I want to keep saying yes and building my muscles of trust, creativity, prayer, and dependence upon Christ.
What are some things that really scare you? I’m not necessarily talking about spiders, snakes, or steep ledges–although I totally get that. But what really terrifies you deep down?
Rejection? Failure? Isolation? Meaninglessness? Not-enough-ness?
Me too.
There are some days we look at our life and think, why risk it?
The point is not that risk is inherently good, but that life is about these sort of small choices we make every year of our lives. This isn’t about gaining points by being a crazy risk-taker, but re-aligning our priorities so that we’re willing to take risks for the sake of big and beautiful things. Discerning when to step into this risk intentionally, and the process of embracing it, is what exercises our muscles of dependence on the Spirit. We learn to pray, live, and love Jesus differently when we’re out of our comfort zone.
Here’s who I want to be: someone who enters into risk with the full acknowledgement that I need both wisdom and courage, that I don’t have enough of either of these on my own. I want to step forward towards good/scary things because I know whether I fail or succeed, just the very act of stepping forward is a victory.
And once I’m there, I want to look back with a knowing smile on my face, recognizing that Jesus led me all the way, and turn my face towards the future and say,
“Let’s try again tomorrow.”
Lately, when people ask me how I’m doing, I want to say, “Let me tell you a story.”
A story of how much of a mess I have been this year.
A story of the God who has met me there. Continue reading
Oh, God, be my everything, be my delight
Be, Jesus, my glory; My soul’s satisfied.
This past month has been one full of so much refreshment and so many mixed emotions. Joy at seeing wonderful friends from all over the globe, sorrow from the many goodbyes that came after, and a whole lot of wonderful conversations, laughter, and honest, raw moments in-between. I feel so incredibly thankful, and yet at times I have struggled with contentment, feeling discouraged or inadequate because of the vulnerable place the last six months have brought me to. Continue reading
I recently re-discovered Tenth Avenue North’s album The Struggle. Many of their songs focus on making sense out of suffering. I’ve found myself thinking a lot about these lyrics in the past few weeks:
All I hear is what they’re selling me
That God is love, He’s isn’t suffering
And what you need is a little faith in prosperity
But oh my God I know there’s more than this
If You promise pain, it can’t be meaningless
So make me poor if it’s the price for freedom
I wonder sometimes how innocently I’ve believed the lie that what God wants most is for me to be happy. Of course in my head I know this isn’t true; although God loves me, what he wants most for me is my joy in becoming holy, in becoming more like Christ. But to follow Christ means to follow the way of suffering. So why am I alarmed, as Paul says, that I must suffer as well, whether it may seem big or small? Continue reading
This week I’ve been thinking about love, about faith, about fear.
I’ve been thinking of the Letter from a Birmingham Jail. I’ve been meditating on Titus 3. I still have a lot of questions. And I’ve come to the conclusion that a lot of words have already been spoken this week. What I need, what we all need, is not more words AT each other but WITH each other.
So here is my prayer. I’d love if you would join me in praying, or add a prayer of your own in the comments below!
Dear You,
The one with the big dreams and all the big uncertainties.
The one who feels like she’s failed.
The one who sees what things could be, yet it feels so out of reach.
The one who looks back with “if only”s.
The one who fears she’ll never be good enough, strong enough, smart enough, funny enough. Continue reading
“Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy biiiiirrrrthhhdayyyyyyy….”
Her baby dimples and toothy grin could melt the heart of any scrooge who considers taking away the singing birthday card she clutches so tightly. As her sister opens gifts and jokes with her older brother, this little one wanders in pure delight, the card opening and closing amidst her attempts to swipe a drink of soda from someone’s glass.
To think that several days ago I wanted to give up on this all together. Continue reading
Downwind of Grace 