identity

Recollecting Gratitude (guest post!)

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You guys are in for a treat–a guest post from Ben today! He did a really great job at expressing a lot of the emotions we’re still processing right now. Coming back from Amsterdam has been really sort of a turning point for us, as we discuss future goals, ministry opportunities, and just how in the world to live justly and gospel-centered with every aspect of our lives. We still have a lot more questions than answers–but honestly, I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I think the point is sometimes no longer even having a perfect answer, as it is living out the questions.

Lots of thoughts in my brain this morning.  Thinking about the priorities I want to have and where I want to see life in the next several years.  To be honest, I’m also fighting off some heavy nostalgia and the desire to be back in Europe.  I like being here in Portland, I really do, I just miss the kind of magical places in Europe that just mesh with my personality; riding trains and bikes, walking everywhere, hearing different perspectives on the world.  Yet there is so much I’m thankful for here as well, and I do feel pretty thankful this morning…

I’m thankful for mountains and ocean beaches (the most beautiful non-tropical sea vistas in the world).  I’m thankful for Stumptown coffee and our cozy apartment and my roadbike.  I’m thankful for forested bike trails and light rail and trees… trees everywhere!  And for a good public library, and local grocery stores, and a solid, Bible-teaching church.  I’m thankful for family nearby and for hot summer weather and for Tillamook dairy products of all forms.

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At the same time, I desire to be more than thankful for these comfortable things. I want to be thankful for the challenges around me and to be caught up into one of the stories God is playing out in the city I live in.  I want to be more than a consumer of my city, I want to be a creator, imaging God’s goodness and light.  God, please broaden my perspective and help me to see how I can be more involved in this city around me as a creative force to work against the darkness and bring more light.

Fallow Ground

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“We have, indeed, to fashion our own desert where we can withdraw every day, shake off our compulsions [and distractions,] and dwell in the gentle healing presence of our Lord. Without such a desert we will lose our own soul while preaching the gospel to others.” –Henri Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

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Two weeks have gone by since my last post–two weeks spent reconnecting with family and friends and slipping back into (almost) all the familiar routines of life here. Already, I’m struggling with reconciling the person I wanted to be during this time with the reality of who I still am. In some ways, this time I had hoped would be such a fresh start has felt more like hitting rewind. Here I am, back living in the same apartment, with the same things on my to-do list, the same ability to be so easily sidetracked and distracted, and the same feelings of cluttered chaos already creeping in like dustbunnies in the corner.

I’m reminded today of my deep need for consistent solitude–which is not my natural inclination. I am a die-hard people person, and although I’d usually rather listen than talk, I really do hate being anywhere alone. Yet solitude is so much more than simply time for me to withdraw from the world and have “alone time.” Solitude is opening up the inner space of my heart where all my fears and hurts and misgivings come rushing out. It is bringing all myself before Christ and really confronting it there, in a place where I can no longer run or hide from it. It is the prayer that not only examines my own self, but receives His healing grace and worships His beauty.

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In this space of in-between, when life seems full of the small things and I’m struggling to connect the last three months to my immediate future, I want to remember that healthy soil is given time to lie fallow. I’m not always in control of the pace of my life, or how each season will evolve, but I am always able to choose what kind of person I become in the meantime. So the question then becomes not “What will I do now?” but “Who do I really want to be?” I want to celebrate this chance and never lose sight of the blessing it really is. My prayer is that this will be a season when all that I’ve learned and gained over the last three months can really germinate inside my heart. God alone knows when it will be time for the first buds–whatever they are–to grow.

Snapshots.

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I’d like to start out this post by affirming that there are now two more very good reasons I don’t typically wear white/light colored pants. And those reasons are 1. Mexican food and 2. Mexican food.

On another note, here are a few snapshots from this past week:

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It has been a great week–full of challenges, hard work, late nights, laughter, beach trips, and perhaps a little too much cake. In some ways, it feels like we’ve been here forever; in others, like we’re only just getting started. It’s this strange mix of starting to be excited to bring all that I’ve learned back to “real life,” and yet wanting to hold onto these moments and never return.

I feel I could go on forever about all I have been learning this week–about myself, God, what it takes to make a ministry like this run, and how much I still have to learn about love. I’m reminded again of how challenges really are the things that sharpen us and bring us growth. All the things I would avoid if I could see them coming–all the uncomfortable tensions, the irritating situations, the stress or fear of the unknowns…these are the things that question my assumptions, that ask me what I’m really made of. My gut reactions say a lot more about my true theology than any good ideas. What is theology even about anyways, if it doesn’t affect the way we live?

In the midst of so much I wish that I was; in the midst of sorting through what I really believe; in the midst of all the times my hunger for love and acceptance comes clawing up unexpectedly, all I can say is how good it is to take a deep breath and meditate on Grace.

Grace in the eyes of my husband who consistently loves and cherishes me each day. Grace in the words of my teammates for the times I let an opportunity slip by. Grace in the hands and feet and love of Jesus, who never expected me to simply figure this out on my own.

Let my heart become a vessel in which this grace overflows.

What Does Justice Ask of Us? -More Than Just Putting Out Buckets.

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Justice requires many things from us.

It requires that we be both warriors and mothers, advocates and givers. It asks for us to fight against wrong, to defend the vulnerable, to take proactive steps towards filling the cracks instead of just putting out buckets to catch the leaks.

It asks us to house the stranger and welcome the orphan, to live shockingly generous, hospitable lives–to walk the delicate tightrope between mercy and steadfast truth–in short, it asks from us more than we can give on our own.

To live “righteously” is to live rightly, to invest our time and resources into the things that matter. Yet without the Spirit, our hearts will become exhausted trying to measure up to an idea of perfection, rather than righteousness. Lately I’ve been thinking how justice has less to do with the letter of the law, and a whole lot more about the intent of the heart. If you look at the judges and kings who are the hero of a good story, immortalized in tales passed down through the generations, it was their creative wisdom that saved the day and accomplished what was ultimately just.

The more I ponder justice, the more I’m convinced it goes further than simply wanting laws enforced, evildoers jailed, clear division between right and wrong. Certainly, it involves these things. But could these actions, without love, be nothing more than vengeance?

When I say “love,” I also mean so much more than mere compassion and emotional sympathy. We may not always “feel” this love, this justice. I’m referencing a fierce love, a practical love, a self-emptying love. It’s a love that clings to truth because it knows that love separated from truth becomes a weak and shriveled love.

I want more than anything to learn how to live a life like this.

Six Weeks In Quotes

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Sitting here in a cozy cafe on this cloudy Amsterdam morning, feeling so thankful. As I continue to wade through all that I have learned in these last six weeks, I thought I would simply share a few quotes that stood out to me personally. If you’re interested, take a look! In my next post, I’ll be highlighting more of what we’ve been up to for the past week as well.

Week One: Justice From a Biblical Perspective

“Heros are those who do what needs to be done, even though it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, or nobody else is doing it.”

“Injustice is not a wrong against us. Ultimately, it is a wrong against God.”

“Hope is anchored in the character of God.”

“Do not be afraid of places of death. They are opportunities for resurrection and life.”

Week Two: Justice, The Sex Trade, and More…

“[What we need] is systematic, quiet, culture-based change. Long term comittment…and relationships are key.”

“Human trafficking is, at its roots, the exploitation of vulnerability.”

“Prostitution is the only legal job [in some countries] with non-profits created to help you get out…In the name of freedom, people are enslaved.”

Week Three: The Father Heart of God, Sexual Abuse, Addictions and the Brain

“The Gospel invites us into the depths, not into escape. We need to engage brokenness.”

“The core issue with our trauma is that it distorts our view of God, [and then our view of others and ourselves as well.]”

“The cross of Christ is so central to healing. To recieve life we must be willing to walk through death. Through the cross we can walk through pain and come out victorious.”

“Ultimately, what gives value to our work is the fact that it’s an expression of our love. We’re just giving back to God what He gave to us.”

“The biggest thing we have to offer people: the permanent goodness of God.”

Week Four: Perspectives–Networks, Politics, Law Enforcement, and Trauma

“Human Trafficking is an evil that will not leave quietly. It is an attack against the very image of God.”

“The biggest barrier to anti-trafficking work: lack of collaboration.”

“Coming together is a beginning.

Keeping together is progress.

Working together is success.”

“To defeat a networked enemy, we had to become a network ourselves.”

Week Five: Mental Health, Media, and Survivor Stories
“Legalization commodifies a person. They not only become the provider of the good, but the good themselves…it creates a culture that grows abusers. The environment itself encourages it.”

“It’s not a coincidence that prositution draws on the most vulnerable population of a community.”

“How can you use the strengths of your culture to overcome its weaknesses?”

Week Six: Pioneering a New Ministry and Collaboration

“Always be sure to examine unintended consequences. Well-intentioned but uniformed work can be very damaging.”

In regards to directing hatred towards buyers and traffickers: “We can’t have selective compassion.”

“Are we seeking to create safer communities so that these things happen less?”

If you’re interested in hearing any more about what I’ve learned on these specific topics, I’d love to chat with you! It’s so hard to convey all that has changed in my heart and mind as a result of these sessions. My biggest prayer in these next five weeks will probably be, “God, now that I have learned and seen this, what would you like me to do with it?”

Wherever these next six weeks and beyond take me, I know one thing, however: I will enter them with a much larger perspective towards all sides of the issue, and a deeper heart to work with excellence and discernment.

Beloved In Amsterdam

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“Your thoughts define me

You’re inside me

You’re my reality

Abba, I belong to You…”

This week a fellow student asked me, “How do you feel God speaks to you?” While I could give a very long answer to that question, as I was pondering it later I realized one big way I often feel Him speak is through repetition. When I hear topics come up several times in different contexts, I know I’d better start paying attention.

It’s amazing how God has woven the theme of Beloved into my life in the past year. I know it is no accident that it has come up time and time again. Especially during the seasons when I have let myself give into doubt and forget Whose I am.

This week has certainly been one of those times. I arrived full of excitement and have certainly not been disappointed. The staff are incredible, students are full of passion and love for God, and the city is even more beautiful and charming than I had imagined. Yet underneath it all was this strange current of self-doubt, discouragement, and fear. At odd times it would come bubbling to the surface in haunting questions like, What do I really have to offer here? I’ve worried that I have no business speaking to these women when I have no way to relate to what they’ve been through. I’ve wasted way too many minutes worrying about what the other students think of me as well. And I’ve let my need for further spiritual and emotional maturity mentally disqualify me until I could come into this ministry less broken and just feeling more, well…put together.

Lies, all of it.

Graciously, God gave me about a million reminders of that this week. When I talk about repetition here, let’s just say I couldn’t escape it if I tried. Church sermons, worship songs, introductory prayers, session topics…all centered around our identity as beloved children of God. All centered around the truth that we need nothing except the Creator of the Universe inside of us to be qualified. All centered around Him.

I’m so thankful to have this chance to walk out my identity as the Beloved in an arena where I feel so personally unprepared and inadequate. In a way, I’m so thankful to have made this commitment to do something that (when I’m perfectly honest) sometimes terrifies me. It’s a chance to take a deep breath, remind myself of the all-sufficiency of Christ, and make the decision to be brave. Every day I am reminded of this choice–especially when it is so tempting to simply trust in my own strength, and only sign up for what I feel personally prepared to handle. But I know that the Spirit living in me is greater than he who lives in the world. I know nothing can change the fact that God has chosen to call me Beloved. I know there is a reality bigger than me and my own fears and insecurities.

In the coming weeks, I would really appreciate prayers for our whole team as we fight against any discouragement or doubts that come our way. Soon we will begin hands-on outreach in several Red Light Districts in town, as well as our daily encounters with the knowledge of sex trafficking, and even just running up against our own brokenness. Pray that we can stand firmly in our identities as children of God! And please continue to pray for this city, which I am already coming to love so much. This crazy mix of beautiful and broken actually brings me so much hope for what this city could be.

PACKING.

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Announcement: There are suitcases in my kitchen!!!

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This weekend we are finally starting packing, which I have been waiting for what seems like forever. In case you didn’t know this fun fact about me, I LOVE packing. And I especially love the going new places part of the deal.

I also just love the freedom that comes from living out ofa suitcase and having so much less stuff to deal with. Ben and I have worked hard this year at simplifying and getting rid of excess stuff laying around, but we’re still not even remotely close to the “everything I own fits in two suitcases” scenario. For one thing, we happen to love books and coffee mugs too much.

Probably the most difficult part of packing for most people, and also the part I most love, is that it forces you to make so many choices. For the average person I know, we can’t fit our entire wardrobe, or shoe collection, or library of books into a suitcase. We’re forced to choose–which books would I really read on this trip? How many pairs of shoes should I bring? Do I really need my computer AND my tablet?

In a way, it would be nice if occasionally we were called upon to make these kind of decisions with the rest of our lives as well. Ultimately, when we choose what to pack and what to leave behind, it’s a matter of priority. What do I value most? What do I find most necessary?

This week I want to take the time to “declutter”–to ask these questions of my own heart. To sweep away the to-do list long enough to remind myself what’s really important as we begin this journey–and whatI might have to leave behind.

Pay Attention

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In case any of you read my last post and said, “Wait a minute, I thought she said that she’s learning to value being over doing. It sure looks like there’s a lot of doing in this article to me.”…

well, never fear. In selfless consideration of your time (ha), I have split my thoughts, as usual, into several more posts of more readable length. So here we go:

In my last post, I claimed, “The biggest secret I have found in seeing the world as holy ground is this: pay attention.”

Today I wanted to focus not just on paying attention when it comes to doing justice, but in seeking out the heart of God. His desire for us, beyond anything else, is for us to know Him deeply, love Him fully, and worship Him purely. Justice, and all other actions in our lives, are simply the results that flow from this. The whole “being” over “doing” thing.

So how do we cultivate a heart that knows, loves, and worships God?

I would argue that the same answer is true again: pay attention.

Have you ever lived a day–even an hour–fully and completely in the moment? If you have, you’ll know that when you do a mysterious thing happens. These moments, which we normally let fly right by without notice, suddenly develop a weightiness to them. There is a depth, a richness, a sacredness to this space of time.

This is space where we meet God.

This is the space where we breathe deep and become fully aware of His presence in the midst of our daily lives. Where we remind ourselves that we are the Beloved of God, because through Christ we have become sons and heirs. Where we delight in the reality of our perfect and holy God, whose character and commands guide us without fail. Where we remember our full reliance on Him for every breath.

And the best part is, this space can be anywhere. These sacred pauses can be while waking up in the morning, or brushing your teeth before you go to bed tonight. They can happen driving to work, or picking up the kids from school. They can happen in the midst of a conversation with a friend, or wherever you suddenly have a sense that you’re sharing this moment with Christ.

To be honest, this can be even harder for me than paying attention to the people around me. My mind is so easily distracted, so easily consumed by my problems and my to-do list. But on the rare occasions I am able to fully and completely enjoy a few moments with Him, I never leave them the same. I find myself hungry for more of these moments and the joy, peace, and richness they bring.

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!

How unsearchable his judgments,

and his paths beyond tracing out!

For from him and through him and for him are all things.

To him be the glory forever! Amen.

-Romans 11:33 & 36

He Calls Them Beloved.

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“Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

1 John 4 is a must-read for anyone looking to discover what it means to be the beloved of God. Mixed among some of the most beautiful descriptions of God’s love in all of Scripture are these constant reminders of our responsibility to pass that love on. And having the Creator and Sustainer of the universe as a role model means the stakes are raised pretty high.

I find it fascinating that although this passage does go on to describe the incredible love of God, it begins with an injunction to love one another. What’s even more fascinating, however, are the lines that come directly after this command: “for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God” (v7). 

In other words, every time I demonstrate genuine love, I’m acting out my knowledge of the character of God. I’m demonstrating who God is, and identifying myself with Him in some way, however small.

How often I forget this when I’m in a situation that requires self-sacrificing love! How quick I can be to accuse, to turn aside, or to push for my own way. Yet if I truly understand the character of God, I should realize that it doesn’t just end with me. The same God who sees me as beloved also sees them as His beloved. And so should I.

Think for a moment of someone to whom you struggle in showing love. It could be a coworker, a member of your Bible study, or a even a family member or friend. Consider the following list with them in mind:

  • They are made in the image of God (Gen. 1:27)
  • The very hairs on their head are numbered with care (Matt. 10:30)
  • God looks on them with compassion (Matt. 9:36, 23:37)
  • He delights in them as His creation (Eph. 2:10)
  • If they believe in Christ, they are his friend, child, and co-heir (John 15:15, Rom. 8:16-17)

How does it feel to think about them in this light? Personally, I know it is very hard to be irritated with someone, and believe them to be delighted in by God at the same moment. Taking the time to remember these truths can diffuse many of the negative or harmful thoughts we have about each other. They deserve our care and respect for no other reason than being created in the image of God.

However, I believe that to truly understand what it means to live out the “belovedness” of others, we have to take it even one step further. If every act of love becomes a tangible demonstration of the character of God, then this is a powerful way to speak of Him to those we meet. Imagine if you treated every person you saw tomorrow as if they were passionately cared for by the God of the Universe. How would that change the way you talk to the person who serves your meal, rings up your purchase at the grocery store, or fixes your leaky faucet? How would that change the way you really notice the people around you, and what needs they might have? How would that change the way you pray?

Once again, it all boils down to the character of God–a God who spontaneously, generously loves every single beautiful and broken soul he created. A God who loves purely, who hates the sin that separates us from Him, and took it upon himself to provide the solution that we could not. A God who offers this redemption freely, who asks us to love him wholeheartedly, and who is concerned with the injustice in our world and the poverty not only of tangible resources, but the poverty of love.

When faced with a love this extravagant, what else can we do but give it out?

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” John 13:34

He Calls Me Beloved

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In my last post I shared how much I’m learning about identity. Turns out, all the mistakes I’ve made looking back, whether they were “little” or “big,” all come down to this. A wrong view of myself will be played out in wrong actions and attitudes every time.

The struggle for identity is very real for all of us. Whether we’re searching for meaning in our work, in our relationships, in our children, in our accomplishments, we’re all looking to hit bedrock somewhere. We all want to find something unshakable, that can tell us how to walk the dark and uncertain moments of our daily life. We have a strong desire to be noticed, to be valued, to belong. To be loved.

One of the biggest problems I’ve found about identity, however, is how often can settle down to me.

Take, for example, the two big camps on identity. One group appeals to the person who has low self-esteem–who thinks, “Who am I? God could never love me.” In response to this, we have a whole flood of books and articles trying to convince people that “God is crazy about you.” They emphasize being made in God’s image, constantly on his mind, and looked down upon in adoring love. I fully believe that God loves his people purely and passionately. But hear me out.

The other camp tries to speak to those who may have too high a view of themselves. They need to be “taken down a notch”–reminded of their need for humility before a holy and high God. We don’t see as many books and articles written on this one, but they’re still out there. The reminder of our sin and constantly, daily need for God’s grace is designed to help us realize that, as the Bible teaches, we are frail and made of dust.

Both of these truths are taught in Scripture, and can certainly be supported by many Biblical accounts. What I am trying communicate here is simply that we do God a great injustice by simply stopping there.  

The main goal of the Bible is not for us to think better, or worse about ourselves. The main goal of the Bible is not even for us to understand ourselves rightly. The main goal of the Bible is for us to understand God rightly.  A right view of God will inevitably lead into a right view of humanity, including ourselves. But neither self-confidence nor humility should ever be the goal. Our aim should always be Him.

When we truly know who it is that we worship, when we understand the incredible love of a God who chose us to be his Beloved, we can’t help but move past our own insecurities. When we can completely trust the heart of a God who sacrificed his Son to bring us redemption, we can also trust that he means what he says about you and me.

Instead of trying to teach our children a proper amount of self-confidence, maybe we should be teaching them how to have God-confidence. How to be so secure in their status as the child of the great King, they’ll hold their heads high even through bullying and hurt. How to be so sure that God loves them, they can smile with compassion instead of fighting for importance.

Identity and worship. At first glance, they don’t seem to go together, but their threads are woven tightly together.

Will you choose to worship yourself today, and constantly be on the defensive?

Or will you choose to worship the one who holds the whole of the universe in the palm of His hands, who has the very hairs on your head numbered, and lean into this incredible Love that will never let you go?